My Fair Lady?

    Share
    avatar
    Mr. Schwibbles
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Female
    Number of posts : 269
    Age : 22
    Registration date : 2007-09-12

    My Fair Lady?

    Post by Mr. Schwibbles on Wed Jul 09, 2008 10:47 am

    Oh, yay! I know yet another new fic, but I’ve been etching to type this up for a while and yeah, it’s been eating my stomach. Anyhow, before publicly posting it on FF.net, I was wondering what you guys here thought about it. Here’s a bit of the prologue.

    - - -


    “Look, all I’m asking you to do is try this out and I’m sure you’ll like it. Come on Kisara, there’s no harm in trying,” she hedged, pulling on my loose sleeve. I shook my head for what felt like the fifth time and stood up, holding a palm to her face. One of my fingers lifted to her lips and I signalled her to be quiet.

    “I won’t to join the treaty, Aki. And I certainly won’t lower myself to the standards of those other helpless peasants, especially by going with a man who I barely know only to sell my virginity.”

    She stayed quiet – thankfully.

    Who knows what could have happened if she continued pestering me? Believe me, I have a pretty bad temper when you knew how to turn it on.

    Shifting on the floor, Akila played with her lips and gnawed on her lip. She looked up – god no, not her puppy dog eyes; she knew I couldn’t resist them, but it did, I had to – and clasped her palms together. She leaned forward, pleading.

    I creased my eyebrows, glowering as fiercely as I could. “No, Aki, no.”

    “But-“

    “I said no Akila-“

    “C’mon, it’s not like-“

    “It’s not what, huh? What? Do you want to fall pregnant?”

    “Well, with the right...” she trailed off, closing her eyes, like in deep thought. She breathed slowly, titling her head to an angle. “Yes,” she conceded, blushing. Her cheeks reddened like a soft tomato, dimples burning holes at the sides of her cheeks.

    I raised an eyebrow.

    “And how can you be sure? Aki, this isn’t right.” She shook her head; defiant to lose to her feeble ways, I decided to continue. This is horrible to do to a friend, I know, but what these men are doing to her and other unfortunate women is far worse. “Yes, we’re not the prettiest women in the world. And yes, we’re stereotypically ‘different’ to other females, but we can’t allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, especially when we’re supposed to stand up for ourselves just because we’re not accepted by other males, or anyone else in that context.”

    Man, I think that came out harder than expected. The poor thing, she looked like her heart was being torn out. In a way, I guess it was all the more better then. I’m not letting any man walk over me, or her, no matter how or why he does it.---

    Okay, I think I’ll stop. So, what do you think? Any constructive crit?

    I really need an honest opinion, and possibly any plot ideas if you wish. And if it’s not too much to ask, could you please respond to what you think the story might be about, since I’m taking this story fairly slowly and I don’t want to expose too much of the background in the first few chapters. Hopefully reader’s can make a basic generalisation and I can work up from there.

    So yeah, any reviews are appreciated and see you soon. Keep Smiling,AAA


    _________________
    avatar
    GenderDefender

    Female
    Number of posts : 38
    Age : 22
    Registration date : 2007-09-12

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by GenderDefender on Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:56 am

    Heyyyyyy!!!
    Very Happy I thought it was really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really good, a huge topic that needs to be talked about, especially with the so much more girls just throwing away their lives and getting pregnant now... great job!! I thought the way you wrote it was really really really clever, people like ME can understand just how huge it is from this. And it takes me AGESS to understand something.
    I think that her friend will get pregnant to this wackjob, smoking, controling, arrogent, selfish, up-himself kinda guy and she doesnt know how to deal with it and then she attempts suicide and kills the baby. She then regrets it and falls into a depression and her life just goes in a downwards spiral.
    I think you should put drugs in here. Reading about drugs is awesome!! Very Happy ...stoner...
    Anywaysss... I thought it was great, hurry up now wont you? lol I'm so mean...

    xoxo
    avatar
    Mr. Schwibbles
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Female
    Number of posts : 269
    Age : 22
    Registration date : 2007-09-12

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by Mr. Schwibbles on Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:04 am

    lol, well, that's only a smidget of it. I've worked on some bits, and it's starting rather nicely (well, better than any other things I've worked on) towards the main plot of the fic.

    I might think of drugs and alcohol, but the fic mainly involves prostitution, child labour and racism. The suicide and depression thing is a definite. I dunno, I'm usually a happy-go-lucky crazy chick but I always tend to write things that are awfully sadistic.

    One more thing, YOU ARE NOT SLOW BECCA. DO YOU HEEAAARR ME?! NOT. SLOW.

    ... just a tad bit challenged in speediness. ;P


    _________________
    avatar
    Cheese
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Male
    Number of posts : 161
    Age : 21
    Registration date : 2008-03-11

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by Cheese on Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:15 am

    I'm assuming this is a Naruto fanfic?

    If so, it's really good.

    You were able to describe the relationship between the two, and show their friendship.

    But I noticed some incorrect grammar (maybe just me), so you will need just a wee bit improvement on that.

    Anyways, it was great. (:

    avatar
    Mr. Schwibbles
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Female
    Number of posts : 269
    Age : 22
    Registration date : 2007-09-12

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by Mr. Schwibbles on Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:21 am

    Heheh. Nope, I don't even watch Naruto. Tis a Yu-gi-Oh! fanfiction in the making.

    I realise the mistakes there and I've patched them up. All I need to do is post the rest of the chapter sometime... maybe... yeah, sometime. Rolling Eyes


    _________________
    avatar
    Cheese
    Administrator
    Administrator

    Male
    Number of posts : 161
    Age : 21
    Registration date : 2008-03-11

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by Cheese on Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:49 am

    Oh, okay.

    Lol, Razz


    Sponsored content

    Re: My Fair Lady?

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Sat Nov 18, 2017 9:11 pm